Friday, 14 March 2008
Wednesday, 12 March 2008
Plus Vous Prenez / Plus Vous Gagnez
NEF I WOULD LIKE TO PERSONALLY THNAK YOU 4 POSTING THESE AWESOME JPEG PICTURES AND REMINDING US WHAT A DANGERSOU WOULD IT'S OUT THERE. ALSO I WUOLD LIKE 2 THNAK YOU BECAUSE I FOUND THESE CODES EMBEDDED IN THE PIXEL DATA:
+ an individually wrapped / crouton alights on the / nose-tip of each ---- / ----- --- poised weapon, / water beneath acid falls / discretely in unison
+ notable by its variety / sacked before it hit the office / only 1/4 of a stick, enough to beat the spic / an undue relativity, approaching an attempt to think thru who kept up this harm / i expect real people to eat me / some crust of an entity
+ i wonder earnestly if it might be useful to have a MARXIST t-shirt or laundry bag or laundromat / does any point of entry lead to the bar across the way? / stroke economy brings us back into the total sms / transmission to be continued / pending more Nef Sock jpegs
+ an individually wrapped / crouton alights on the / nose-tip of each ---- / ----- --- poised weapon, / water beneath acid falls / discretely in unison
+ notable by its variety / sacked before it hit the office / only 1/4 of a stick, enough to beat the spic / an undue relativity, approaching an attempt to think thru who kept up this harm / i expect real people to eat me / some crust of an entity
+ i wonder earnestly if it might be useful to have a MARXIST t-shirt or laundry bag or laundromat / does any point of entry lead to the bar across the way? / stroke economy brings us back into the total sms / transmission to be continued / pending more Nef Sock jpegs
Tuesday, 11 March 2008
A Reasonable Proposal
Ladies, Gentlemen and Inanimate Objects,
Yesterday I spoke in slightly heated terms to a Faceplant employee who had accused me of being a 'mole', a particularly undignified term. This means that I am now forced to reveal my hand slightly earlier than originally planned, to avoid further speculation. Today I post this with the full authority of Rex W. Tillerson, Mark W. Albers, J. Stephen Simon, and Donald D. Humphreys.
Having monitored the operations of Faceplant from the inside, I can now conclude that your organisation is inefficient, and suffers from a lack of professional management. With the endearing bravado of posturing students, I'm sure that you would like to think you have the potential to become a major player. Unfortunately, those of us with greater experience have seen such enterprises fail on an annual basis.
However, we are reasonable people, and are therefore prepared to forward an advantageous solution: namely, a buyout of Faceplant International, which would subsequently be incorporated into the ExxonMobil Research and Engineering Company. We believe that you have several able minds on your staff, and if they could be persuaded to give up reading adolescent Marxist theory, they might be of use in helping to develop global energy opportunities.
We are aware that you may be inclined to dismiss this proposal on political grounds, rejecting the rapacious advances of an 'evil' 'unethical' 'megacorporation', or some other outdated left-wing jargon phrase. Let me dispel any such prejudices. ExxonMobil has an unwavering commitment to high ethical standards, operations integrity, and flawless execution. This is embedded in our company culture and implemented through our management systems. Our Standards of Business Conduct form the foundation for this commitment, with 16 corporate policies in addition to the company-wide expectations for open-door communication.
If you are still not convinced, let me leave you with some wise words from the mouth of Lemmy, singer in the fashionable disco pop ensemble Motörhead: 'If you divided up all the money in the world evenly today, then the same people would have it back within the end of the year.'
Why waste time dreaming about sharing resources when you could actually be accumulating some?
I will await an official response from one of your legal team. Speaking as a friend, I do not advise a rejection.
Scott
Yesterday I spoke in slightly heated terms to a Faceplant employee who had accused me of being a 'mole', a particularly undignified term. This means that I am now forced to reveal my hand slightly earlier than originally planned, to avoid further speculation. Today I post this with the full authority of Rex W. Tillerson, Mark W. Albers, J. Stephen Simon, and Donald D. Humphreys.
Having monitored the operations of Faceplant from the inside, I can now conclude that your organisation is inefficient, and suffers from a lack of professional management. With the endearing bravado of posturing students, I'm sure that you would like to think you have the potential to become a major player. Unfortunately, those of us with greater experience have seen such enterprises fail on an annual basis.
However, we are reasonable people, and are therefore prepared to forward an advantageous solution: namely, a buyout of Faceplant International, which would subsequently be incorporated into the ExxonMobil Research and Engineering Company. We believe that you have several able minds on your staff, and if they could be persuaded to give up reading adolescent Marxist theory, they might be of use in helping to develop global energy opportunities.
We are aware that you may be inclined to dismiss this proposal on political grounds, rejecting the rapacious advances of an 'evil' 'unethical' 'megacorporation', or some other outdated left-wing jargon phrase. Let me dispel any such prejudices. ExxonMobil has an unwavering commitment to high ethical standards, operations integrity, and flawless execution. This is embedded in our company culture and implemented through our management systems. Our Standards of Business Conduct form the foundation for this commitment, with 16 corporate policies in addition to the company-wide expectations for open-door communication.
If you are still not convinced, let me leave you with some wise words from the mouth of Lemmy, singer in the fashionable disco pop ensemble Motörhead: 'If you divided up all the money in the world evenly today, then the same people would have it back within the end of the year.'
Why waste time dreaming about sharing resources when you could actually be accumulating some?
I will await an official response from one of your legal team. Speaking as a friend, I do not advise a rejection.
Scott
Monday, 10 March 2008
BROADSIDE RESURRECT
Jellychildren of Ganesh,
- Apeman, Scott, play nice.
- Welcome wrisusprintu.
- MANY HEAP BIGGEST XIE XIE TO COMRADE CHUANG CHUANG. That was a bug in more than one sphincter. AMRIKI FIZZYFIDDLE, as punishment you will eat two 20oz steaks with your blueberry frappuccino tomorrow morning. Make sure to get blood on someone's loafers.
- Main feature: Ok, the Photoshop Competition is back on. To inspire everyone to maximum productivity I will repost the submissions in thus-far, arbitrarily impose a deadline (vide the end of creativity, the birth of democracy), and fire up the remaining acres of vitreous fluid by promising you all that the winner's submission will have roughly £0.50 creatively spent on its showcase.
Remember how fresh we were in February, before it all became about hate?
In order of submission
APEMAN
NEF
RICECAKE
LINDSAY
The final final deadline might as well be 8 days from now. So, Weds 19th, noon GMT. You obviously don't have to have photoshop to participate. Use paint, excel or cakewalk for all I care. I had expected you all at least to have the initiative to realise that there's NO WAY I CAN TELL HOW YOU DID IT. 3 minutes only tho, stick to that.
- Start thinking about recipes everybody. I mean good ones. I also mean things that you're prepared to eat, in public.
- Apeman, Scott, play nice.
- Welcome wrisusprintu.
- MANY HEAP BIGGEST XIE XIE TO COMRADE CHUANG CHUANG. That was a bug in more than one sphincter. AMRIKI FIZZYFIDDLE, as punishment you will eat two 20oz steaks with your blueberry frappuccino tomorrow morning. Make sure to get blood on someone's loafers.
- Main feature: Ok, the Photoshop Competition is back on. To inspire everyone to maximum productivity I will repost the submissions in thus-far, arbitrarily impose a deadline (vide the end of creativity, the birth of democracy), and fire up the remaining acres of vitreous fluid by promising you all that the winner's submission will have roughly £0.50 creatively spent on its showcase.
Remember how fresh we were in February, before it all became about hate?
In order of submission
APEMAN
NEF
RICECAKE
LINDSAY
The final final deadline might as well be 8 days from now. So, Weds 19th, noon GMT. You obviously don't have to have photoshop to participate. Use paint, excel or cakewalk for all I care. I had expected you all at least to have the initiative to realise that there's NO WAY I CAN TELL HOW YOU DID IT. 3 minutes only tho, stick to that.
- Start thinking about recipes everybody. I mean good ones. I also mean things that you're prepared to eat, in public.
Absorb This:
Everyone.I, Chuang Chuang, aka Chuang Squared, aka Chuang2, aka Chuang Bis, aka Perimetric Faceplant Outlook Functioneer, upon returning from 1 Theoretical Apex whereupon did I perceive the 1 means of activating the Purified Notion of 2-Dimensional Order, upon returning from Said Apex, I, Chuang Dizzle, did pinpoint the glitching HTML in 1 noble post of yours, oh FP Fellitos and Fellitas and Fellatiatin' Sleepas. Dear Am Physique, if in fact I did live upon the ground of this fair Earth, would I box thine commodities in 1 Premiere Lockéd Box, as if twas You whom did encode this much-studied glitch, which twas. THAT'S FINE ~ My Love Is Certain ~ My Love is Squared. Just watch out for centered text and "span" sections. They can make the shit on teh right become teh shat on the bottom, which is Not Dialectical and makes it hard to post to the C-Box or get that Meta I mean Meaty View of all the posts. Alright....ALRIGHT....what does this mean for FP? It means get your F'ing Posts on, Toute Le Monde. Put a name on yr Face and Plant les massages to the C Box. Know that there actually is Real Work to be done, between us, necessitating Real Thought, and Real Fun. I'll be sending each of you a short list of instructions for electronic actions intended to disseminate FP *into the World*. Please respond accordingly. Act Now and Act Later.
Do you understand what has happened? The blog is fixed. You are unfixed. Proceed aggressively.
With Certain Love,
DOUBLE CHUANG
YO APEMAN
I'm a mole for ESSO, ok? Not DISNEY, ESSO, get it?
Be advised:
I sleep, every night, in the same bed as PICO. I have a not inconsiderable amount of influence in the bedroom. PICO tends to talk and even sing in his sleep, particularly when I massage his prostate. Who knows, maybe one of these days he'll sing his admin password. Just think what kind of fun I could get up to with access to his full powers.
In conclusion, friend, I am on a higher rung of the ladder than you. I suggest you back the fuck up.
Be advised:
I sleep, every night, in the same bed as PICO. I have a not inconsiderable amount of influence in the bedroom. PICO tends to talk and even sing in his sleep, particularly when I massage his prostate. Who knows, maybe one of these days he'll sing his admin password. Just think what kind of fun I could get up to with access to his full powers.
In conclusion, friend, I am on a higher rung of the ladder than you. I suggest you back the fuck up.
Sunday, 9 March 2008
ONE WEEK, GENERAL GUTHRIE
Dear General The Rt Hon Baron Guthrie GCB LVO OBE CDM ADC,
The bad news: I have captured your prize fighter cum hack writer cum television luminary cum gunscum ANDY MCNAB (see below).
Here I have made him look and feel like an UTTER SPASTIC by suspending him in an armband:
Here I have further DEGRADED and HUMILIATED him by arranging an assortment of brightly coloured shuttlecocks on his back:
Here I have CRUSHED his MORALE by forcing him to engage in an act of COMPLETELY AIMLESS CUNNILINGUS with a DEAD CHICKEN:
Finally, I turned him over to my crew. Comrades SCOTT and CHUANG CHUANG discuss whether or not to feed him to COMMODORE XERXES, while Comrade OMEN maintains a perimeter:
If you do not meet with our demands by 18:43 G.M.T. on Sunday the 16th of March, 2008, we will have no choice but to DROWN MCNAB IN PVA.
The good news: If you meet our demands, we will think about not drowning him. Our demands are modest: you will have your trite and ineffectual cap badge insignia replaced by the following, which we feel is more appropriate to the times and to the true nature of your work overseas and here in the UK:
Luckily for you, your new motto is very nearly an anagram of your old motto, so all you will have to do is suspend operations for a week while your grunts set to cutting out and repasting all of those tiny little letters. Not-so-luckily for you, it is only very nearly and not exactly an anagram of your old motto, and you will be forced to manufacture however many "E"s and ship them out. I suggest you get to work, General.
The bad news: I have captured your prize fighter cum hack writer cum television luminary cum gunscum ANDY MCNAB (see below).
Here I have made him look and feel like an UTTER SPASTIC by suspending him in an armband:
Here I have further DEGRADED and HUMILIATED him by arranging an assortment of brightly coloured shuttlecocks on his back:
Here I have CRUSHED his MORALE by forcing him to engage in an act of COMPLETELY AIMLESS CUNNILINGUS with a DEAD CHICKEN:
Finally, I turned him over to my crew. Comrades SCOTT and CHUANG CHUANG discuss whether or not to feed him to COMMODORE XERXES, while Comrade OMEN maintains a perimeter:
If you do not meet with our demands by 18:43 G.M.T. on Sunday the 16th of March, 2008, we will have no choice but to DROWN MCNAB IN PVA.
The good news: If you meet our demands, we will think about not drowning him. Our demands are modest: you will have your trite and ineffectual cap badge insignia replaced by the following, which we feel is more appropriate to the times and to the true nature of your work overseas and here in the UK:
Luckily for you, your new motto is very nearly an anagram of your old motto, so all you will have to do is suspend operations for a week while your grunts set to cutting out and repasting all of those tiny little letters. Not-so-luckily for you, it is only very nearly and not exactly an anagram of your old motto, and you will be forced to manufacture however many "E"s and ship them out. I suggest you get to work, General.
Saturday, 8 March 2008
Essential additions to the FACEPLANT kitchen
Bacon in the Sun
Don't Curl Up and Fry
When you fry bacon, does it always end up a shrunken, shriveled up mess? Just place this adorable yet practical tool (shaped like—what else?—a pig) on top of your bacon strips to keep them flat and help them cook evenly. The press is made of durable cast-iron and is also great for flattening quesadillas, grilled cheese sandwiches, and other tasty quick-grilled treats. $9.99 at online retailers.
steppin' up to the plate (contesting with truffles)...
And finally, a dish almost named after this own minute corner of cyber-Saturn
mtori, fresh from the garden
Think we're nearly BARBIE-READY?
To Jamelia from Jamelia
We were all there,
laughing upon his verses,
laughing upon her verses,
commenting on the offset
of the laughters, then
smelling our own asses,
confusing them with any
old pits, like pikes.jpg
in the aethernetic chamber
of the spam in the shower
and the celestine sophistry;
o the ebb and flow of this
noble centaur's tail. That's
your mom when she lived
in South America, charged
a lot 4 rides and she on 1
ride found you like cuffing
prods in a lunch meat array,
down by the core core core.
laughing upon his verses,
laughing upon her verses,
commenting on the offset
of the laughters, then
smelling our own asses,
confusing them with any
old pits, like pikes.jpg
in the aethernetic chamber
of the spam in the shower
and the celestine sophistry;
o the ebb and flow of this
noble centaur's tail. That's
your mom when she lived
in South America, charged
a lot 4 rides and she on 1
ride found you like cuffing
prods in a lunch meat array,
down by the core core core.
Friday, 7 March 2008
Read Wagner, Get Fresh
In Wagner's essay "The Art-Work of the Future" (1849), there are some refreshing comments on Poetry. Like a hot peanut oil spritzer up the ya-ya. The historical moments ~ his and ours ~ can't be related without a fancy argument, but the urgency re his critique of Luxury and his insistence therein that poetry must be sung is perhaps still timely, at least on the surface. Three excerpts follow; ie the few bits I copied into a notebook. Alight!
p74 ~ "Could conscious autocratic Thought completely govern Life, could it usurp the vital impulse and divert it to some other purpose than the great Necessity of absolute life-needs: then were Life itself dethroned, and swallowed up in Science. And truly Science, in her overweening arrogance, has dreamed of such a triumph; as witness our tight-reined State and modern Art, the sexless, barren children of this dream."
p134 ~ "Wheresoever the Folk made poetry,–– and only by the Folk, or in the footsteps of the Folk, can poetry be really made,–– there did the Poetic purpose rise to life alone upon the shoulders of the arts of Dance and Tone, as the head of the full-fledged human being. The lyrics of Orpheus would never have been able to turn the savage beasts to silent, placid adoration, if the singer had but given them forsooth some dumb and printed verse to read : their ears must be enthralled by the sonorous notes that came straight from the heart, their carrion-spying eyes be tamed by the proud and graceful movements of the body,–– in such a way that they should recognise instinctively in this whole man no longer a mere object for their maw, no mere objective for their feeding–, but for their hearing- and seeing-powers,–– before they could be attuned to duly listen to his moral sentences."
p144 ~ "But these Folk-ballads are not so much as thinkable without their twin-bred melodies; and what was not only said but also sung, was part and parcel of Life's immediate utterance. Who speaks and sings at the same time expresses his feelings by gestures and by motion––at least whoever does this from sheer instinct, like the Folk,––though not the tutored foundling of our song-professors. —–Where such an art still flourishes, it finds of itself a constant train of fresh turns of expression, fresh forms of composition ("Dichtung")...the art of Poetry must ever stay unfruitful when she turns her back on Life; all her shaping then can never be aught else but that of fashion, that of wilful combination, not invention."
~ Richard Wagner, "The Art-Work of the Future" (1849), Prose Works Vol 1 (London: Kegan Paul, Trench, Trubner & Co., Ltd; 1895/1972)
Thursday, 6 March 2008
"SMALL INCENDIARY DEVICE" [REUTERS]
"The fact that this appears deliberately targeted at the recruiting station insults every one of our brave men and women in uniform stationed around the world," Bloomberg said in Times Square.
This is what Bloomberg and his dogs get for refusing me the Key to the City of New York in August, 2007.
Churl Whirls Yelping Whelp
Cute to the power of 100,000 humans!
Sage words on the puppy question:
06llo (5 minutes ago)
that was a pretty decent throw. i mean... puppies are fairly unbalanced creatures, and he managed to get a controlled release, a nice arc, and i'm sure that if he were aiming for say a hoop or something cool like that he would have at least hit the sides. 8/10
danielsuperchef (6 minutes ago)
The puppy could have been an Al Quaeda trained bomber...!? Besides I reckon it bounced by the sound it makes.
FAAAAKEEEE!!!!
gamesking12 (8 minutes ago)
it can be a bomb dumb ass
mungenda (9 minutes ago)
i dont know who the F these people think they are but i am doing everything in my power to make sure they get in trouble...if you think this is fake then u r ignorant. and if the marines are so bored over seas that they need to make pathetic movies like this...then why the hell are we in Iraq?!!!!!!
juggaloco428dechile (11 minutes ago)
Animal cruelty!!! Throw that marine off the cliff!!
Sage words on the puppy question:
06llo (5 minutes ago)
that was a pretty decent throw. i mean... puppies are fairly unbalanced creatures, and he managed to get a controlled release, a nice arc, and i'm sure that if he were aiming for say a hoop or something cool like that he would have at least hit the sides. 8/10
danielsuperchef (6 minutes ago)
The puppy could have been an Al Quaeda trained bomber...!? Besides I reckon it bounced by the sound it makes.
FAAAAKEEEE!!!!
gamesking12 (8 minutes ago)
it can be a bomb dumb ass
mungenda (9 minutes ago)
i dont know who the F these people think they are but i am doing everything in my power to make sure they get in trouble...if you think this is fake then u r ignorant. and if the marines are so bored over seas that they need to make pathetic movies like this...then why the hell are we in Iraq?!!!!!!
juggaloco428dechile (11 minutes ago)
Animal cruelty!!! Throw that marine off the cliff!!
Tuesday, 4 March 2008
holy shit!!!
The Archbishop described in reflex foam the limit of its shredded-with-glass breathing antic to posit, if we could call it that, an inverted species of reasoning that indiscriminately records/ distorts “speech acts of a serious nature” with undisguised penological-eye-metaphors in place of vintage beast wax. What's the point. The tome, he whacks open and, in the process, exhibits a “more complex than usual” finger array as part, or indeed whole, of her (automatic) pencil holding strategy, extrapolates “this cat is successfully performing an impression of a triangle”. What is most alarming about this “artefact in the wilderness” is the negligence with which “the critic as an autonomous thinking-thing” regards the matrix of nuances that constitute contemporary standards in vertigo pocket stitching; what can be said on the matter of the vaguely embossed buttock has most certainly not been said, but what kind of society has hitherto found itself sufficiently well located (in a cultural sense) to embark upon such a project, or would dare? For daring is what differentiates us, the slugs of love, from them, the earth slug fatigue and breathlessness. Now give him back him squash racket, Archibishop, or suffer ununfatwa.
Monday, 3 March 2008
Sunday, 2 March 2008
OCTOCUMENTARY (4 of 4)
The photo image desensitises the imagination by appropriating a certain meaning to what, in the first image, is an agency completely up for grabs. It depoliticises what Rancière termed ‘the distribution of the sensible’. It tells you how and from where you are to look. This all sounds dangerously as though I’m about to say, no matter how hard you want to beat me, the line of fantasy is not dialectical.
THE LINE OF FANTASY IS NOT DIALECTICAL.
THE MOVING IMAGE IS DEAD. HIDE YOUR EYES. THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE HERE.
TIME FOR A LEMSIP.
THE LINE OF FANTASY IS NOT DIALECTICAL.
THE MOVING IMAGE IS DEAD. HIDE YOUR EYES. THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE HERE.
TIME FOR A LEMSIP.
Saturday, 1 March 2008
I AM AN IAMBS CAT
Would the miserable little choad who screwed with the layout please hack back into my account and sort it out. Cheers.
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