HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF CASH DOLLARS ASCEND WITH YOU

Aloha kids,

I've been muy muy busy this week but will get on it now I'm *done* with poesy.

UPDATES:

- Buckerton walked the plank at 15:14 yesterday (I gave her 3 grace minutes). I think this is a good thing from everybody's perspective, no more of her passive-aggressive bullshit, her dead weight or oxygen hogging.

- New friends soon! Will have a semi-formal welcome ceremony for all noobs in the next couple of days.

- FACEPLANT VIDEOLINK ACID-TRIP 2008. I will hook this up, send it out, slam. Anyone wishing to participate let me know.

- You are all *FUCKING RICH*. Comrade Dope came over to hang with me and Omen last week, I gave him his salary (see below). You will each receive the same amount shortly, as well as a stash of other use-values.



- When the weather gets a little less rank, I will invite you all down to my place for the FACEPLANT SPRING BBQ 2008, which will happen in my garden. Hog roast, fish fry, ninja salad, drugs, arm wrestling, cigars, etc. It's about time we all meet up in person. Fizzykrill, Isoproprio and Holekey shld maybe do the same somewhere and send a report.

February's been a good month for FACEPLANT, people. Let's keep this shit going.

Oh, and Fizzykill: click off the autoplay on your disgust jukebox, please. It's a good post but there's only so many times I *need* to hear Deicide insult my god in a day. For future reference, everybody, please do not have auto-loading audio (or video, or such). I have never edited any of your posts (despite having full admin power to do so), regard your creative autonomy as sacrosanct, and don't want to have to start vetting you.

NUDIST HERMENEUTICS V: VALEUR AUX TENEBRES

We must all be more like this, comrades.

BOW TO STERN

LOCALS ONLY

Loath as I feel to use FACEPLANT as a plugspace for my real-world activity, this might be of interest to those of you living in SSE UK who can make it down to Sussex tomorrow evening:



Apeman? Toal? Lindsay?

All welcome.

DISGUST INSTALL

NEWS: Music has been used in American military prisons and on bases to induce sleep deprivation, "prolong capture shock," disorient detainees during interrogations—and also drown out screams. Based on a leaked interrogation log, news reports, and the accounts of soldiers and detainees, here are some of the songs that guards and interrogators chose.

[I'm not sure how viable this is, but source here.]


YOU ALL KNOW ABOUT THIS?

Iranian Diplomacy

A letter from Shah Sulayman of Persia to Charles II, 1677-8.

To Him who is High in Majesty, Highly advanced in Dominion, who is the Sanctuary of Splendidness, the Fort of Boldness and valour, Noble in Courage and Justice, arrived to the Height of Great Retinue and Gallantness, who hath Command of the Stately Leaning Cushion of Power Exercising, who leans upon the Couch of Command giving, who is the Reliance of Princes, Master of the Seal of CHRISTIAN RELIGION, the Cream of Potentates, who with the Strength and Power of IESVS is the Advancer of the Crown of Famousness, the Well-becomer of the Throne of Self-pleasing, to the King Mighty in Dignity, and High in Renown.

And now after the performance of what belongs to Sincere Love and Ancient Friendship: and the right placeing of the Signes of Familiarity and just unanimity, our Princely mind is to make known that the Kind Letter which at this time Ye have sent, did arrive in time when the Gates of Self-contenting with the face of Hopes and Security were open. For the raising of the Structure of Amity and Friendship, Ye made a Narrative which was written concerning the Participation of the Customes payed at Hormuz, (a part whereof for those years was to belong to the business of that Dominion and Seate of Splendidness) which in the Mirrour of Considering found the Effigies of obtaining effect. But it cannot remain hidden nor unknown to your Illustrious Mind Leavened with Sincerity, that for the years before our Happy and Benigne Sitting upon the Throne of Principality and the Couch of Justice and Splendidness [. . .] it was confirmed that some legate either great or small should come and be Resident in our Illustrious Court, that the things lay'd up in your Breast and the Defires of your mind might come to be made known: that so our Agents may at last perform them as they are commanded.

PRO, SPO 102. 40. 2 f. 81 (65). Quoted in R. W. Ferrier, ‘The Terms and Conditions under which English Trade was Transacted with Safavid Persia’, Bulletin of the School of Oriental and African Stdies, University of London 49 (1986), 48-66.

WE CAN MAKE THEM SLEEP

NORTH KOREA: With a 6800??
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

USA:Well ur a fuck etard to,cause ive beat it,and im replaying...all works excelent on my 6800,so fuck u,u suck,and dont have bad feelings cause ur comp sucks,my 6800 OC rox this game. All setting on Max. Go fuckin figure out than. Asswipe.

Military Affairs Committee Directive #001

Dear Comrades,

I am highly honoured to announce the fact of my employment within your organisation. As Chairman of the Military Affairs Committee, it is my job to co-ordinate and administer all future directives concerning FACEPLANT Foreign Policy. We define “foreign” as any other website and it is our goal to negotiate our relative ideological positions with those of foreign organisations through the disciplined application of certain principles and protocols.

My primary obligation is to maintain upkeep of the FACEPLANT UNFATWA™ and FACEPLANT FLAMEWARS™ archives, which will be up as soon as Comrade Pico figures out a way of not getting fucked by www.fasthosts.co.uk. We are pleased to announce we are now taking recommendations from the general public as well as the FACEPLANT editorial squadron. Please send linked suggestions of targets for both lists to omen.faceplant@gmail.com.

We will issue a comprehensive guide to recommended Flamewars and Unfatwa policy within the next two weeks.

ALL POWER TO FACEPLANT,



OMEN W6 9PE

Chairman, Military Affairs Committee
FACEPLANT INTERNATIONAL

PKK vs. 10,000 of these suckers

Matthew Bryza, deputy assistant secretary of state, describes the incident as a "whole new level."

NUDIST HERMENEUTICS IV: BREAKFAST OF NINJAS

The FACEPLANT purchase is the biggest bank acts as a purchasing agent by NYOTAIMORI ltd. in the history at that time. When in the deal technology is the FACEMORPH purchase by FACEPLANT, finalized a deal changes name by the structure as the merge and FACEPLANT to the American company US bank, with bank USSR, changes its name to the American bank, CHINA takes the remaining legal bank individual. The bank still managed the basis to award Italy DUX the bank in March 1, 1927 federation charter 13,044. But, the filing in 1,998 is lists under FACEPLANT before, is not FACEPLANT.

FreeCell

Where the work-avoidant who have exhausted the tedium of Solitaire go to die.



"When Microsoft FreeCell became very popular during the 1990s it was not clear which of the 32,000 deals in the program were solvable. To clarify the situation, Dave Ring started The Internet FreeCell Project, took on the problem to try to solve all the deals using human solvers. Ring assigned 100 consecutive games chunks across volunteering human solvers and collected the games that they reported to be unsolvable, and assigned them to other people. This project used the power of multiprocessing, where the processors were human brains, to quickly converge on the answer. The project was finished in October 1995, and only one game defied every human player's attempt: #11,982, which has been shown to be unsolvable by several exhaustive-search software solvers."

ONE WEEK, COMRADE BUCKERTON

LARA --- I'm getting pretty sick of you just sitting there, staring at us all with jaundiced eye and that smug 'knowing' grin. You could be an android for all we know, we don't know that you know a thing. See, kid, we got this credit system around here. It goes a little bit like this: until you throw down shit, you ain't shit. No-one cares about your t-shirt.

If you have not posted something by Thursday the 28th February 2008 at 15:11, I will EXPEL YOU PERMANENTLY FROM THE FACEPLANT INTERNATIONAL. Pick up one of these badboys and get on some fight shit.

Liabilities Not Shown

WE QUOTE YOU AT 777 RMS QUANTUM LIKE BOEING LUNCHES.

FACEPLANT HERMENEUTIC BURN SERIES VOLUME 2

"Values emanate neither from the things (or real relationships) nor from the percipient. No naturalism and no subjectivism attach to their form of Being. Furthermore, they are not 'formal' or empty structures, but possess contents; they are 'materials', structures which constitute a specific quality of things, relations or persons according as they attach to them or are lacking. And, in the third place, not only are they never merely 'invented'--as one may so often hear--but they are not even capable of being directly grasped by thought; rather are they immediately discerned only by an 'inner vision', like Plato's 'Ideas'. The Platonic notion of 'beholding' well fits that which material ethics designates as the 'sensing of value', that which is embodied in acts of preference, of approval, of conviction. Man's sensing of values is the annunciation of their Being in the discerning person, and indeed in their peculiar idealistic kind of existence. The apriority of the knowledge of them is no intellectual or reflective apriority, but is emotional, intuitive."
[Nicolai Hartmann, Ethics, v.1, trans Stanton Coit, 1926/1932]

RE: HAVE YOU PICKED COTTON?

A GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS JOKE

GOOD NEWS: your mum got on well at the optician's



BAD NEWS: she is dead in the back of an ambulance

JOW LINDSAY'S PHOTOSHOP ENTRY

Jow alternately hacked into mine and his girlfriend's facebook account so he could cybercuckold himself. Strange boy. Since he clearly does not have the technosavvy to download Photoshop, this might as well be his submission. Any objections, Jow?

NUDIST HERMENEUTICS III: VIVA LAKSHI TATMA!

One day this little lady will be able to take ALL OF US in a fight. I therefore propose TOTAL UNCONDITIONAL FACEPLANT SOLIDARITY for Comrade Tatma, granting her FULL PLENARY POWERS and HOLISTIC VETO ENTITLEMENT in every future FACEPLANT INTERNATIONAL ASSEMBLY. All in favour prostrate yourselves before her divine image and raise a tentacle.

OUTGOING CHOLERA, INCOMING.

Yeah, well. It's Christmas right? All the way from 2 Marsham Street to the fifth floor of 90 High Holborn via the first floor of Abell House, wearing the fucking 1997 Protection from Harassment Act as a Klu Klux mu-mu in the back of the truck. In such a manner as motherfuckers ought not fail to recognise, i.e. http://www.hmprisonservice.gov.uk/prisoninformation/locateaprison/ but I still haven't found etc..

Meanwhile, a case of the one-sided dream in audio greyscale, such that Narodniks Against EU Subsidies peformed, lounging at the etc, drinking etc, with the neighbourhood etc, hanging etc, this.
http://www.box.net/index.php?rm=box_v2_mp3_player_shared&node=f_133802781

Just think of it as a kind of hold music for the Immigration and Nationality Directorate helpline, know what I mean?

I'm in your corner,


Drenno

DON'T BE SHY, NEIL.

So Neil keeps sending ME all this great shit, instead of accepting the FP invite I sent him last week and posting it up here himself. Whether or not this reluctance stems (as I suspect is does) from a kind of quaintly crypto-feudal perception of academic email forwarding lists as the place where it's at for BEING SHINY, whether or not he's anxious that stepping up to the limebright plate will entail percutaneous absoption of its cliquish frequencies, I think that if he doesn't join in in the next fortnight we should form a nationwide pressure group. Once we have the Daily Star on our side and there's a 24 hour mob vigil outside his house armed with Millwall bricks and placards reading "JOIN FACEPLANT OR JOIN HUNTLEY", he will have little choice but to comply.

Accordingly;

RE: FREEDOM

Approach your whole “polygraph day” as a test. Treat the polygraph examination as an extreme job interview. Dress conservatively and appropriately, and try to make a good impression before the test, and be sure to arrive on time—and, except in the direst of circumstances, do not reschedule or attempt to postpone the exam. You wouldn’t fidget, do anything suspicious, or pick your nose during a job interview, would you? Well, the polygraph is an extreme interview because your every move is very likely being observed the moment you arrive at the testing location. There may be hidden cameras in the waiting room and the restrooms, and there is almost certainly a camera or two-way mirror in the polygraph room. Your polygraph examination begins long before you are hooked up to the machine, and ends only when you’ve left the testing location.

中国彩票预测中心 专家权威预测 辅导购彩 欢迎入会

—————— /´ /)
—————- /—- /
————— /—- /
——— /´ / '-' /´¯`_
——'/' /--' /—-//¨¯\
——('(——— - ¯~/'-'')
——\———— -'—--/ 国际通用手势........................
——-'\'——— —_-´
———\———- -(
———-\——— - \

Have You Picked Cotton?

Black Hillaria: at least several of the submissions must be pants so here

Vote for Your Favourite Aesthetic

Here's a quote from Barack Obama taken from his "Yes We Can" speech, which includes the insistence "that we are not as divided as our politics suggests. That we are one people," and which has been turned into an i think it's fair to say absolutely retarded propaganda pop tune.

"We will end this war in Iraq and bring our troops home." Yes, fair enough, everyone now agrees that it's getting a little expensive over there, not to mention STICKY, but MAKE NO MISTAKE that anti-Iraq feeling is now spurred on by ETHICAL CONSIDERATIONS, viz., almost within the same breath: "we will finish the job against Al-Quaeda in Afghanistan." Terrorism is a big buzz word for Obama, just as it is a big buzz word for EVERYONE IN POLITICS THESE DAYS.  Which suggests to me that behind all of the huggy excitement about change, all that 'change' is supposed to mean is that a black dude is going to do the same shitty job that a white dude has done for decades. And if it's not a black dude that's gonna do the same shitty job, it's gonna be a chick. As Obama points out, "All of the candidates in this race share these goals."

So, simply another chance to swap the paper head of the puppet for a different coloured paper head.  Yet another basketball match for the avant-garde, who shall sit by the fire shaking their heads about everyone's lack of ethics about injustice, safe in the knowledge that this means we can continue to disengage.

Meanwhile, Johann Hari on the long-lost John Edwards.

Nef gives it 3 Mins

PROJECT SPRANG

can of ting need for the pillows then lion p'taa do you remember rocky you're looking in my one of the had some toast last night only use multigrain best of possibly the finest chocolate bar luke's suffering from delusion two tickets cheese look what I did steal floss SPESH SPESH JUNIOR SPESH ONE POUND FIFTY PENCE so what for one pound fifty you get gets you the extra mayo so that's how they're making money one pound two pound fifty the ingredients only amount to 77% well what the fuck is the other 23% the plastic cover has to be taxation mate she's not here I'm not liable to grass anyone up should have got the caramel far superior what the fuck do you know that's so cute luke thought twice in the shop pretty frugal that's all I'm saying wasn't the money clear to everyone in the shop me you and that silly bitch ID for you actually cannot I see your visa please I do for you walked out with the beer fuck you bizarre family tree he's actually staying out of the limelight.

Non-stop Photoshop

"Let's hope the coppers don't unscramble this one."

Silk Eudaemonics. Yo.

O you shacker like a tod
kraft slipping into envy out coming
as last faker time, the blunt
at clerical rash swoons to the dessicatory
and it will not last in cash
the dichroic or the less then falter
either the clepsydra is a prod
of recalcitrant duration or a slip
into oral infinity you tell more
in a day O annex and the young
will last to profession the cursory
dried in the sun like wild envy of
customer valency charm in a margarita
in substance that labels its farce as levitational
like a storm clip conversio
reconsider the tendential and all prayer for source/L
the crooked peak of entry in holiness is static
in rubber dimples or finding really demonstrative ports
uncareful
willful offer in milk torso check what you tried
and later on on empty empty its satchel into a morsel
of unrefined zinc to needles triple zeros ignition
instead of reckless fin du go guys like watersheds
in a fucking camp the ash cream checks temp guarantee
we change dollas
the sediment of equal share if its hand holds the elite
in contortion is odious to cherish the vital
cap on ganglion no matter what you're saying I'm
listening that is connected to a pulse of delimitation
where negatively we ascribe dedicated functions to bite
systematic subrelational lets of linoleum like cloud camo
which will fade. [for TODAY]

2:42 14feb

Valentine's Day Special

FACEPLANT IS 100 POSTS OLD AS OF THIS SHIT

Guys,

Who would have thought it! Not much more than three months ago I was sitting in Lindsay's front room, spilling my frail dream of a *NEW INTERNATIONAL* like tzatziki all over his carpet. A certain morbid doubt possessed him. It would "never fly". It was "pretty much totally opaque". TO THINK: those were the days when he'd never even seen me having sex, much less mack a FACEPLANT centurion! Jow: to celebrate, you will eat that obnoxious little trilby you seem so disproportionately fond of. Once you have shat the felt, tuck it away in the freezer and await further instructions.

For the rest of you, I hereby initiate the CELEBRATORY FACEPLANT 3-MINUTE PHOTOSHOP BROADSIDE COMPETITION. You have 3 minutes in Adobe Photoshop to do the sickest thing you have in you. One thing per person. The WINNER will be decided by a DEMOCRATIC VOTE which will take place after all the submissions are in. If you cheat, I will know and will see to it that your next wet dream is accompanied by a furious yeast infection. If you don't feel like participating, let me know well in advance. If you don't have Photoshop, KILL YOURSELF, or, at the very least, download Photoshop (no, don't BUY it you gumba, download a cracked version for FREE and get the bonus satisfaction of knowing that you're funding Al Qaeda). THE WINNER OF THE COMPETITION WILL RECEIVE BOUNTY BEYOND THE WILDEST DREAMS OF SOROS HIMSELF.

To get the phagocytes racing, here is my submission:

"HERNIATES SHADOWPAX"


FORWARD!

_______________________

Oh, and PS - Everyone please welcome and be intrusively kind to comrades JONTY, HULKY and MAKIM CIRCE. The phalanx swells.

STAND-IN TO BE SHAMEFUL IN A NEWS FLASH GREASE TRAP, INDEED

Not that anyone really needs at this point to be reminded what a FUCKING JACKASS Bruce Andrews is, but I think it's been a while since this one did the rounds, so...



"It's not about values, it's about understanding."

"That's not relevant to this issue."

"Justificatory discourse."

"Context is crucial."

Please. Amriki, SORT OUT YOUR COUNTRY'S LEFT WING.

On the obverse, judge ye also of MR ROLLINS' free-improv intimidation tactics in the following. It's as if an entire oppositional culture has spent too much time in its bedroom and cannot survive any mildly testing social interaction without histrionically shitting its drawers.

Hi, I'm Hulky

Girls and Boys Alive,
I was told I am allowed to post any propaganda I had to post here. So, readers, please - beware the propaganda.
Hi, I'm Hulky.

Add Glitter to Pictures

NUDIST HERMENEUTICS II

For the culturally conservative among our readership who seem to have collectively inhaled about a pint of spit on viewing the dread octosock ( here), I would like to point out that this kind of thing is hardly unprecedented in art, particularly art produced in Japan. I adduce Hokusai's 1820 woodcut, "The Dream of the Fisherman's Wife":



Oriental Deviancy? Say something sharp, Nef. Also, this might be a good juncture for the various other XXs (N-WAX MOBAXAX, per esempio) to jump on board.

Pu`u `O`o, SUCKER.

Your salad has athlete's foot, I'm satisfied to note. A moment of sheer existent blankness, you turn and use speech to hurt a lack. I see blooming though now and just freshly awakened am ready for drying eyes. The insurgents are not a tenth as jealous of you as you are of them. You will not die wearing green silk, emo scum.

LIK YR OWN SHADOW

"But with the mouth of our heart we panted for the high waters of Your fountain, the fountain of the life which is with You: that being sprinkled from that fountain according to our capacity, we might in some sense mediate upon so great a matter....
....Rising as our love flamed upward towards that Selfsame [idipsum], we passed in review the various levels of bodily things, up to the heavens themselves, whence sun and moon and stars shine upon this earth. And higher still we soared, thinking in our minds and speaking and marvelling at Your works: and so we came to our own souls, and went beyond them to come at last to that region of richness unending..."
~St. Augustine Confessions Book 9: X: 23-24, trans. F.J. Sheed

A Taste:



UNZIP FACEPLANT VOLUME 1

Enough Resistant Whites

"On the other hand, some people are naturally immune. The American Army authorities made a systematic examination of the susceptibility of large numbers of recruits. They found that there was a very resistant class, comprising 20% of the white men tried, but no less than 80% of the negroes. This is intelligible, as the symptoms of mustard gas, blistering, and sun-burn are very similar, and negroes are pretty well immune to sunburn. It looks therefore as if, after a slight preliminary test, it should be possible to obtain coloured troops who would all be resistant to mustard gas blistering in concentrations harmful to most white men. Enough resistant whites are available to officer them."

- J.B.S. Haldane, Callinicus: A Defence of Chemical Warfare (1925) pp 45-46

INTRODUCING GUIMO CHOAD

WHO IS THIS FRUIT DRESSED AS A MOUSE?

WELCOME JONTY. PANKO IS DEAD. I HAD HIM SHOT ALONG WITH DUX.



I AM BE COM EAR APE.



THIS THICK.



EXPANSION IMMINENT.

"Masdar is surrounded by an Animated Wall"

a Real Middle East for Real Ethical Honkies

TO THE FUCK THAT STOLE MY SQUASH RACKET

Please observe that:

- I have Tony's head.
- I have a BORGLITE VIPERCUM add-on to my right arm.
- I can levitate.

See you tomorrow on campus.

BLUEPRINT FOR A FUTURE ATTACK FORMATION

How you will sleep as I eat the sunrise on lucky charms. The fluid you emitted previously gums up to a smell not unlike (a) PVA, (b) UHU, or (c) two-part epoxy; the wanton fatigue, the full orange sky. Grubbing around a root menu in your sleepscape, toggle "history" and blur forth into messianic paraquat. Find vocative of light to the left of:

3,000 DUCATS @ 01:33

NB: The real cream starts at 03:02

3,000 DUCATS FOR THE ONE WHO BRINGS ME THE HEAD OF TONY THE TIGER

NUDIST HERMENEUTICS: OH, HENRY!

AMRIKI FIZZYKILL,

As punishment for this (a):



And this (b):



And mainly this (c):



You will translate the following text into Western English:


tiefnachts und in dunkelheit
entfloss aus ihrem tränensee
vor langer zeit die einsamkeit
in kleidern weiß wie schnee

die kreatur in weiter ferne
erhob sich aus der trauer
im kalten licht der sterne
die schatten auf der lauer

flügel wie mit hand gesponnen
entsprangen unter schmerzen
in falscher hoffnung zu entkommen
der leere ihres herzens

als einsamkeit mit kraft
den bleichen augenlidern
den faden trauersaft
entriss, kniete sie nieder

mit händen im gesicht
opferte sie blondes haar
in weißer tränengicht
dem stillen wasser dar

vor einsamkeit erbleichten
die wangen der gestalt
die kalten hände reichten
nach einem festen halt

in ihrer rechten schwinge
entsprang die rote feder
der mordlust scharfe klinge
aus wulstigem geäder

es schrie die nacht
durchbarch das schweigen
die rote feder lacht
die erde sollte leiden

mit fürchterlichen zornesfalten
sprach die einsamkeit das wort
vom tod und ließ ihr herz erkalten
die hoffnung war nun fort

„steige empor und nähre dich
von meiner augen blut
für rache opfere ich mich
erfülle meine wut“

der reine wunsch nach rache
ersann sich einen geist
der aus der tränenlache
stieg, und einsamkeit zerreist

der letzte wunsch der einsamkeit
ersann sich dieses kreatur
bevor sie deren unbarmherzigkeit
am eign'nen Leib erfuhr

das feuerrote auge strahlte
höllisch auf des menschen rest
der mit seinem leben zahlte,
das niemanden entkommen lässt

das monster wuchs in ewigkeit
verschlang das leben jener zeit
am ende wurde einsamkeit
aus ihrem tod befreit

Using the following lexica EXCLUSIVELY as source-pools:

GEAR
CHOW
BASS
LUNA
FLIT

You will send your translation to me, I will have it inscribed in copperplate on the backs of two card-mounted copies of (c), sign one Obama and have it sent to Clinton HQ, sign the other Clinton and have it sent to Obama HQ.


ZOOM,

-------///:_/[==+==]____S_E_M_B_L_A_B_L_E____[==+==]\_:\\\-------

BRAVO, TOAL! NOW: EAT MY GUNFEX.

"There is not really any courage at all in attacking hoary or antiquated things, any more than in offering to fight one's grandmother. The really courageous man is he who defies tyrannies young as the morning and superstitions fresh as the first flowers. The only true free-thinker is he whose intellect is as much free from the future as from the past."

- G. K. Chesterton

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