ONE WEEK, GENERAL GUTHRIE

Dear General The Rt Hon Baron Guthrie GCB LVO OBE CDM ADC,

The bad news: I have captured your prize fighter cum hack writer cum television luminary cum gunscum ANDY MCNAB (see below).



Here I have made him look and feel like an UTTER SPASTIC by suspending him in an armband:



Here I have further DEGRADED and HUMILIATED him by arranging an assortment of brightly coloured shuttlecocks on his back:



Here I have CRUSHED his MORALE by forcing him to engage in an act of COMPLETELY AIMLESS CUNNILINGUS with a DEAD CHICKEN:



Finally, I turned him over to my crew. Comrades SCOTT and CHUANG CHUANG discuss whether or not to feed him to COMMODORE XERXES, while Comrade OMEN maintains a perimeter:



If you do not meet with our demands by 18:43 G.M.T. on Sunday the 16th of March, 2008, we will have no choice but to DROWN MCNAB IN PVA.

The good news: If you meet our demands, we will think about not drowning him. Our demands are modest: you will have your trite and ineffectual cap badge insignia replaced by the following, which we feel is more appropriate to the times and to the true nature of your work overseas and here in the UK:



Luckily for you, your new motto is very nearly an anagram of your old motto, so all you will have to do is suspend operations for a week while your grunts set to cutting out and repasting all of those tiny little letters. Not-so-luckily for you, it is only very nearly and not exactly an anagram of your old motto, and you will be forced to manufacture however many "E"s and ship them out. I suggest you get to work, General.