Tuesday, 11 March 2008

A Reasonable Proposal

Ladies, Gentlemen and Inanimate Objects,

Yesterday I spoke in slightly heated terms to a Faceplant employee who had accused me of being a 'mole', a particularly undignified term. This means that I am now forced to reveal my hand slightly earlier than originally planned, to avoid further speculation. Today I post this with the full authority of Rex W. Tillerson, Mark W. Albers, J. Stephen Simon, and Donald D. Humphreys.

Having monitored the operations of Faceplant from the inside, I can now conclude that your organisation is inefficient, and suffers from a lack of professional management. With the endearing bravado of posturing students, I'm sure that you would like to think you have the potential to become a major player. Unfortunately, those of us with greater experience have seen such enterprises fail on an annual basis.

However, we are reasonable people, and are therefore prepared to forward an advantageous solution: namely, a buyout of Faceplant International, which would subsequently be incorporated into the ExxonMobil Research and Engineering Company. We believe that you have several able minds on your staff, and if they could be persuaded to give up reading adolescent Marxist theory, they might be of use in helping to develop global energy opportunities.

We are aware that you may be inclined to dismiss this proposal on political grounds, rejecting the rapacious advances of an 'evil' 'unethical' 'megacorporation', or some other outdated left-wing jargon phrase. Let me dispel any such prejudices. ExxonMobil has an unwavering commitment to high ethical standards, operations integrity, and flawless execution. This is embedded in our company culture and implemented through our management systems. Our Standards of Business Conduct form the foundation for this commitment, with 16 corporate policies in addition to the company-wide expectations for open-door communication.

If you are still not convinced, let me leave you with some wise words from the mouth of Lemmy, singer in the fashionable disco pop ensemble Motörhead: 'If you divided up all the money in the world evenly today, then the same people would have it back within the end of the year.'

Why waste time dreaming about sharing resources when you could actually be accumulating some?

I will await an official response from one of your legal team. Speaking as a friend, I do not advise a rejection.



President Nef. Sock said...


If (Arch-snob) {Apeman} said...

Hmm... I suspect fraud. Get the panda to read it over. There are too many suits prowling the site of late.

I would have been able to vote on any transfer of ownership, but I inadvertently sold my stake in the company to Lindsay for the cost of a chicken satay skewer.

PICO said...

You're sleeping on the floor tonight, Scott.